Living Next Door to the Devil by Joe Oesterle

With the upcoming release of director Ti West’s latest horror flick, The House of the Devil, and with all these signs of the upcoming apocalypse, (balloon hoaxes, A-Rod hitting in the post season and David Letterman having sex) we thought it would be a great time to give a few pointers for when Satan actually does take over; so let’s give the devil his due as we come to grips with Beelzebub returning to this plane of existence.

7. Who You Gonna Call?

The good news is you haven’t been slain in the recent global holocaust, but the bad news is thanks to ongoing real estate woes, coupled with the whole recent Good losing to Evil thing during the biblical battle for Judgment Day, the devil has moved into your neighborhood. And you thought that guy down the street who blared Chingy from his beat up ’97 Subaru was a dick.

Suddenly your street has just been downgraded, and you weren’t living in such an amazing tract to begin with. Your first thought is to turn to your Home Owner’s Association, but you quickly realize the irony of that plan. Those guys have obviously been in Satan’s camp since the day you moved in. If you thought you had trouble selling your house before, try unloading it when potential buyers deduce the name on the mailbox next door. It may read “Lou Cipher,” but anyone who stayed awake while watching Angel Heart will crack that code in a jiffy.

So deal with it, you’re living next door to the devil, and it looks like you’ll be there for a while. Every cloud has a silver lining – even those that smell like sulfur. Don’t be such a Negative Nelly. Sure there’s going to be some problems, but every day home life was never the bucolic world of Angel Heart co-star Lisa Bonet’s TV community on the Cosby Show. Look at it this way. This year’s block party is going to kick ass… until Kanye West, semi-regular visitor of the Dark Lord, gets all whiskyed-up and decides to grab the microphone and make some announcements.

6. PETS

Hey, you have always tried to be a good neighbor, but given the latest developments, you’re going to have to try extra hard. You don’t need to be on this guy’s shit list. You’ve always been pretty good about making sure your pets don’t treat the neighbor’s yards as their own personal toilet; Satan however, doesn’t share your suburban pride.

Now of course you can knock on his door and ask him if Cerberus made number two on your lawn, but come on, you know he isn’t going to tell you the truth. You don’t get a nickname like the “Prince of Lies” and have it stick for thousands of years if you take the blame every time your dog takes a dump somewhere he shouldn’t.

Our advice: Invest in a heavy-duty snow shovel and wheelbarrow, and hope Satan doesn’t feed his pets too much protein.

5. NOISE

It should come as no surprise your new neighbor loves to party. If you need proof, just check out the Bible for some Sodom and Gomorrah passages. Can you imagine how cool that place would still be if some whiny bitch didn’t get all righteous and narc to God about it? Eh, whatever, yesterday’s news, but still you know Satan is a swinger. That would be cool and all, except you’re the guy who lives next to these wild shindigs, and you have to get up on weekdays and deal with your boss Bob, who loves to berate you in front of the staff; Sharon the Shrew – who makes no secret about her belief she could do your job better than you; and Mendelson, the would-be office cut-up who isn’t nearly as funny as he’d like to believe, but you put up with him anyway, because he always has good dirt on Bob.

Our advice: Quit your job, and see if you can get work as a bartender at the devil’s parties. We understand James Caan is a generous tipper.

4. DÉCOR

The Home Owner’s Association was so anal when you wanted to build an addition to the back of your house, claiming noise pollution and a need to maintain a consistent look to the region. But apparently their buddy, the devil, can do whatever he wants to his place. It’s all politics. And since the devil has long-time pal Dick Cheney on speed dial, he gets to decorate and landscape his place anyway he wants.

Ironically, even the devil also hates what his designer, Joel Schumacher, did to his house, but he does like that passersby hate it even more. At first, the archfiend thought about punishing Schumacher for his utter lack of judgment but soon realized whatever abuse he heaps on Schumacher, the freaky hack just asks for more.

Our advice: There’s not much you can do about this one. Just try not to look Dick Cheney’s way when he’s wearing his pointy-nippled, skintight Batsuit in the hot tub.

3. HOUSEGUESTS

Even if you were the type to get star struck, that wears off fast enough after living next to the Lord of Hellfire for just a couple of days. With such notorious houseguests as Pol Pot, Ivan the Terrible and Adolf Hitler living a stone’s throw away, it’s hard to imagine getting worked up when you see John Gosselin at some bar in Pennsylvania, or you spot Lauren Conrad at a Lakers game. (Bonus scoop: Satan reassures us Gosselin, his wife, 6 of their 8 kids and Conrad will all eventually be moving in permanently.)

Our advice: Ask for autographs, then sell them on eBay. Idid Amin’s autograph is probably pretty rare, and this will help subsidize the house payments on the days that James Caan is sleeping off another major hangover and doesn’t show up at the party.

2. PARKING SPOTS

It’s impossible to get a parking spot on your once quiet little street. Suddenly there seems to be an unending parade of people coming in and out of Satan’s place asking for advice and favors – and most of them are driving really nice cars.

Lucky for you, you don’t need your car as much. You no longer have to drive to work, and food is not much of a problem because those Devil Parties are nicely catered affairs. Sure the “Devil” theme gets old, but the deviled eggs, the deviled ham the devil’s food cake are delicious and even the hot burning coal appetizers and warm ginger ale aren’t so bad once you get used to them. Still it bugs you when people park in front of your driveway and block you in. It’s the principal of the thing.

Our advice: Just scratch the shit out of their cars with your keys. What’s the worst that can happen? You go to Hell?

1. OTHER PROBLEMS

Sure there are going to be other problems that crop up. Undoubtedly he’ll ask to borrow your lawnmower and “forget” to return it, or he’ll start another war and then blame the media for covering it too much, and then for not covering it enough. And it does get annoying that the devil is constantly challenging the Charlie Daniels Band to a fiddlin’ rematch, but you do get a heck of a lot extra perks that you never got with from that dick who used to drive by blaring Chingy out of his ’97 Subaru.

Our advice: So the devil moved in next door. Deal with it.

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